I know how to be miserable. I know how to survive, how to hunker down and feel like shit. I don’t know how to “change the things I can”. I really don’t. But, I am learning. Tomorrow I fly out to the last stage in a long job interview process because I have realized that my current job is not a good fit for me. The awareness that I have regarding my job is a huge recovery milestone. In the past, I felt like I should be lucky to even have a job, it didn’t occur to me to consider that I had choices and I could change! Nothing, absolutely nothing has changed at work. It is only my changes that have made work so miserable for me. It has been so disconcerting to watch things at work evolve and start to bother me. At first, I felt like a jerk because I was finding myself constantly annoyed. But then, I realized, “holy shit, this annoys me now… awesome!” It was like waking up, haha. I don’t know how else to describe it other than, I just changed. Slowly. And now, I hate my job!
So why am I so scared? Because owning my life is scary. If this job interview ends well, I will have officially grabbed life by the horns and made a decision on my own. I was talking to my sponsor last night and I shared that this is the first time in my life that I feel really “free” in making a decision. It’s kind of terrifying. Like… shoot… I don’t have anyone to blame if it doesn’t go well. And…. I might actually be happy.
I am a survivalist. We co-dependents tend to be able to get by on very little. We are expert survivors and can be very highly functioning in the worst situations. There is a certain sickness about that, however. It is an addiction, because it keeps our minds occupied on other things rather than on ourselves (let me clarify, I am only speaking for myself here). I realize how highly functioning I have been in the worst of situations and now that my life is a lot less chaotic, I have time to think about who I am, what I want, and what I don’t want.
I’m boarding a flight tonight. That alone is an outcome of my recovery work. I am doing this because I want to, and I am moving into seriously uncharted territory in my world.
I reject the idea that I have to endure life. I rejected that idea the minute I started working my steps. I don’t need to be in a constant state of bliss, but I also don’t need to be in a constant haze. Reasonably happy is good enough for me.
For some reason, the serenity prayer evolves almost daily for me. I read it a lot and I always catch new nuances and points that make me stop and think. For today, the portion that says, “courage to change the things I can,” is ringing out loud and clear. Looking back, I don’t know that I understood that until recently. I still felt like things were happening to me and I was being tossed at sea. I think I’m starting to see things a little bit differently now and I’m kind of petrified and also excited.